Monday, March 03, 2008

back in melbourne

i've gone on hiatus. so other than work and study my life is put on hold at the moment. it's not as if i want it to be that way, it just is. at 21 i'm facing a 2 decade life-crisis. for some it's meant to hit when you're 40 to me it just happened 20 years too early.

i've finally made the split clean with my other half for the past 1 1/2 years and went thru a huge family drama.
all except 2 of my new year resos have officially been flushed down the drain. the holiday that i thought would inject life back into me just drained more out of me and made me realize this is not what in my life. question now that i have is how much of myself can i cut off to survive on the bare emotional minimum.

maybe it's true that in some cases i don't have it as bad as others who are suffering way more than me. that this depression can't last forever. one day i just have to stop crying and slowly heal or the fear that i might go blind sets in.

at the moment though, yes i'm coping. because i have always managed somehow to cope, to continue, to strive on. no i'm not in the best condition that i can be in but there is so much that you can hope for. there are still no tell tale signs other than if you call me on one of my bad nights or if you happen to catch me in the morning after a bad night with swollen eyes. i might sound pessimistic, but when everything has failed you thus far it's hard not to be. i just need time to come to terms with the fact that this is just the reality that is life, and things would hopefully be better.

in the mean time i'm saving up to go on a proper holiday maybe at the end of the year before summer school. any suggestions?

No comments: