lost and insecure..

this moment i feel like i've aged 20 more years. 

and yet i've accomplished nothing.

i remember things way back when and it all didn't seem too long ago.

all my aspirations when i was 18 whether big or small seemed to have flowed down the drain.

i wanted a tatt. i still want one but haven't gotten it. 

i would have graded by now and yet i prolonged the agony. 

i would have a full time paying job and i only have a part time. which is not earning me enough. but when is it ever enough?

my dreams of writing and designing are moving nowhere.

and all the things i've lost or rather not found is making me question my decision two years ago. part of me feels like i have not moved on from that time. as usual there are the"what ifs?" yet there aren't many regrets left to ponder over. just that one big question that continuously lingers and pops up from time to time. especially when i stumble over fragments of the past i've not prepared myself beforehand to meet.

i can't go back i know that already. and if given the chance i'm not too sure that i even want to. but yet i don't really know how to move on - i feel like i'm stuck in limbo.

as lu put it to me: might just be better to get a car and crash it into a wall. 

we might as least be going somewhere then - even if it is the end.

only if i can find that small pocket of serenity. of inner blissful happiness that constantly seems so elusive. even if it was a shred from way back then. 

at times like this i even miss MrP.L. because the last time i felt truly happy was when he was around. just-great..

pathethic.. i know..

if..

they asked, describe your relationship

simply put...

if i waited
for you to say the right words
or do the right things
i think, i'd have passed out by now
from the lack of oxygen
and drifted off from waiting too long..

so what am i supposed to do now?
i think i've hit a very big wall.
one where you're on the other side
but i just can't get thru

Still here.. still alive

i haven't dropped off the face of the earth
but i wish i had..
i myself don't understand why i'm being this so called anti-social when in fact socialite is include in my list of future occupations


i'm still here, still alive


just everything else inside me feels pretty much altered/dead
i don't know maybe i just need a change..

can anyone spell : H-O-L-I-D-A-Y?

HAPPILY EVER AFTER?



NOT!
those only happen in fairytales..


reality : happily ever afters exist only in unfinished stories


the end isn't always what we expect it to be..
we just have to deal with whatever that is thrown our way the best we can i suppose


i'm a optimist/idealist turned into a cynical realist..
this is so sad..


what happened along the way..

EXPECTATIONS


when you expect the best
and the worst happens

when you expect for hope
to have it all come crashing down

when you expect happiness
and all you get is dissapointment

when you expect perfection
and all you get is nothing

yes true i wish for something more.. is that wrong?
and when in the end this wasn't what i wanted then i have the right to feel upset don't i?

how long will i take to accept reality and get over it?
i really don't know

either way i guess i have to thank you for all the memories..


xx

cure? shopping
i bought 2 tops on my first good day in a long time to make myself feel better.. they were on sale.. i really couldn't help it..


it's only a temporary cure.. i got a better one.. i'm going to ed hardy tomoro..

i was bored.. so my nail colour at the moment : black
then really smart me realised i had to do hand-wash laundry and now they're looking a bit chipped.. grr...


xx

also met up with DazedDarren, ShivMeister, NH3teapot and damien today for coffee.. i got burned by them so bad.. damn it.. at least they all had a good laugh on my behalf! no pics tho.. from coffee -> dinner @ rich maha -> hush..

first good day and i'm already up around town..
luckily MrsYap isn't here or else will kena for going out so much just after i recovered


bad news tho i still can't find that pair of boots!! that elusive pair of perfect boots.. damn it!! i think i'm just going to ed hardy then.. not bothered looking anymore..

MISSING OUT

i've been sick since saturday.. again..
the first week i got back to melbourne i already fell sick..
this is only my third week!! and i'm sick again


i called MrsYap feeling all emo..
coz i feel like i'm missing out on a lot. i hate that feeling that i can't even get out of bed..
she tells me to try shopping as theraphy..
i tell her i'm too sick to even go out..


i've been missing out on class..
been missing out on shopping
missing out on coffee with friends


someone please make the bad mornings and stomach pains go away..

on the larger scale, there might be things that we don't understand
then the heart and head go into mutiny
for all that it's worth we have all lost something we treasure most
i suppose that is just the way it goes
because if we don't lose something then it is impossible for us to move on
the world does not stand still it keeps moving
so we lose something so that we may get something new


this time it's different from the last
i wish i could tell all of you how i feel sometimes
there is no easy way
but the next time i look back i just don't want to say sorry anymore
i don't want to carry around anymore regrets
it's too huge a burden..


and even through all this dark and gloomy rainy days
i can still hide under the covers
it's still warm and safe
and i have all of you this time
then hopefully i won't say.. i'm alone..


xx

ps: pictures from the weekend soon..

life seems kinda tiresome

the days are too hot
the heart is too emotional
the head is too full

i'm just sitting around
waiting, wishing, hoping, praying
and i wonder what for?
this is sad..

wake me up soon please?