lost and insecure..

this moment i feel like i've aged 20 more years. 

and yet i've accomplished nothing.

i remember things way back when and it all didn't seem too long ago.

all my aspirations when i was 18 whether big or small seemed to have flowed down the drain.

i wanted a tatt. i still want one but haven't gotten it. 

i would have graded by now and yet i prolonged the agony. 

i would have a full time paying job and i only have a part time. which is not earning me enough. but when is it ever enough?

my dreams of writing and designing are moving nowhere.

and all the things i've lost or rather not found is making me question my decision two years ago. part of me feels like i have not moved on from that time. as usual there are the"what ifs?" yet there aren't many regrets left to ponder over. just that one big question that continuously lingers and pops up from time to time. especially when i stumble over fragments of the past i've not prepared myself beforehand to meet.

i can't go back i know that already. and if given the chance i'm not too sure that i even want to. but yet i don't really know how to move on - i feel like i'm stuck in limbo.

as lu put it to me: might just be better to get a car and crash it into a wall. 

we might as least be going somewhere then - even if it is the end.

only if i can find that small pocket of serenity. of inner blissful happiness that constantly seems so elusive. even if it was a shred from way back then. 

at times like this i even miss MrP.L. because the last time i felt truly happy was when he was around. just-great..

pathethic.. i know..